i now have.. well have had a new journal site haha. here ya go!

http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=sassichick

Sunday night... bored... this weekend wasnt that bad.... well not as bad as it could have been should i say. worked ...thats basically about it. the store got broken into so i was there like 10 hours saturday but its all good. Ive been watching alot of movies with all this time off and nothing to do.. i started the new series nip/tuck and now im addicted. its so good, the way they have realistic problems not like those movies with all the perfect ending shit. Today i just chilled really. This next week is the camp i do every year and i love it so thats cool, it will give me a break from babysitting all day and just be around 70 more kids haha. ryan and i had a very long much needed talk about a week and a half ago. I just got so fed up with everything and all the mixed signals and emotions that i needed to confront it in person with him ( well as in person as it gets) I knew he was sick of me asking what was going on but i told him i just wanted to lay it all out and get things straight. He was honest....it was somewhat heartbreaking some of the things he said but i asked for the truth and thats what i got. dont get me wrong i didnt take anything the wrong way... everything he said i had either already realised or would soon realise it if we didnt talk about it. He actual broke down and opened up to me about alot of the things in his past with his first long relationship. Hes only cried to me three times and two were dealing with that situation. It really explains alot about emotions he has now i believe. We decided that we werent going to "break-up" but if another person comes along in either of our lives that the opportunity is there to pursue something if wanted. Some might think thats odd but what else can you do when your so far away and cant guarantee that what is yours will stay yours 100%. We talked about alot more.. i dont feel like getting into it because its not something i want to go in depth in with who knows reading it. I have a feeling when i get done with my degree and everything starts falling into place and i am able to move, that we hopefully will be together. I know i will never forget him and he said the same about me so im not worried about it at this time. Things are mostly back to the same, we just dont talk as much during the day.. im honestly a little scared to talk to him to much without him initiating the conversation because of what he told me about us talking alot. anyways things will be fine. we still love each other even if its different than the love we thought we had earlier. I have learned though through it all not to take him for granted like i had. well i think im gonna go watch tv or something... gotta get up at 6 tomorrow... fun times... later

ok well i just fucked up my old layout... it all went buhbye.. so back to plain for now, till i get some help redoing it :c( oh well the plain will match my mood now anyways.

So, its been a few days since the last post... i feel like im doing somewhat better but at the same time i still havent eaten, and feel down all the time. I think the relationship just needs some time.. because i kinda think things are becoming somewhat normal again. I think i must have been to pressuring or just pushy.. but thats what girls are suppose to do isnt it? I think honestly we just miss each other so much that at times it becomes overbearing and its better to replace that feeling with something that will allow you to forget about it. But i did get the scare of my life today... well not of my life but for this week anyway haha. I saw something about a "new gf" on a post of his and yea... freaked out. im glad that i at least confronted him because he said that was just to get around having to deal with the guys crap about not playing or something.  It sounded like the truth when he told me, and if it was true that he had met someone else he would usually get all offended so that makes my day like 100 times better. I just dont think i could bear that heartbreak right now... or ever haha. Im babysitting my cousins i love this so much better than the other kids i babysit for. These are so good haha dont cry, dont fuss, just sit and watch tv or go outside.. its great. My cousin finally got a new computer his other one sucked it was like windows 98 or something im like hello its 2004 now.. but this one is pretty cool. anyways im gonna go try and relax before work all night again. I hope things just continue to get somewhat better... i cant take this being depressed all the time. I understand why people do the things they do when they are depressed now. see ya.

Ok, so it's been a long time since i wrote in this thing. Basically because everything in my life was going so well. I hope that getting things out of my head will help the total heartbreak/depression i feel like i am in now. Why is that everytime one thing starts to go wrong the rest of life ends up in the pits also. Let me start with work... why do i constantly bust my ass only to still get abused by my co-workers, im so sick of that place but the reason i bust my ass is so i can get out of this place and move to be with the person who means most to me. But that also creates a problem because lately it seems this person wants nothing to do with me. How can a relationship go from talking everyday throughout the whole day and always being there for one another to not talking at all and feeling like im all alone. This same thing happened last summer and that was due to another person, how can i not think that same thing is going on when all the signs of last time are there? Honestly i dont know what to think. When i confront about what is going on it usually ends up in an arguement of somekind. So i shut my mouth and keep it all inside. I dont think he understands what this is really is doing to me, treating me like i dont matter one shit to him anymore. I dont think he knows how many times i have thought about just ending my life because he was the only one left that cared for me and now it seems he doesnt care either. I mean all my friends just vanished it seems like. I have no one and if you have ever been through having no one in your life you might understand where i am coming from. I dont know how much longer i can last feeling this way. I havent eaten in three days, i cry all the time at the drop of a hat. Going out all the time was fine because he would at least message me or tell me he was going now its like today he promised to tell me when he was going out... lets see i havent heard anything from him in going on  5 hours. He has no idea what im doing to myself inside. I asked him if he could stay in tonight or at least just not stay out all night because its my only night off.. my heart broke when he said no because what was he going to tell his friends. I dont know what to do...my heart is breaking and no one can see how much longer it will last. I have to go i cant see to tpe through the tears that are non stopable now.....

alone.. feel like shit... the end.

im so close to deleting this whole thing. im sick of having to stick up for myself, no one ever sees it from my side anyways.

just a quick entry...ryan got his present. he loved it here it is. hope everyone had a good valentines. hehe..

oh.. btw... its our 1 year 4 month anniversary. more on that later. i love my baby!!!